Writing this blog is challenging, not least because I’ve failed to maintain romantic relationships throughout my life. I have, however, learnt so much about the process.
Every relationship has taught me more about myself, and how relationships flourish and fade. Each experience has been a learning opportunity—about myself, relationships, and the intricate dance between the two.
This blog will address how to build a lasting relationship, where both partners are able to maintain clear communication and keep the romance strong.
1. Sort Yourself Out
You don’t have to be perfect to enter a relationship. There are always areas where you may be able to grow, but dealing with areas where you fall short as much as possible is one of the keys to success.
Before entering marriage, I was on a personal journey myself. I had started meditating, working through things, and was building myself up. I cut that journey short before marriage and that is one of the reasons why I struggled to cope during my last relationship.
If I had both continued my journey of self-development, I would have been able to understand areas in which I was falling short and had the self-confidence to state my feelings. It is never a waste of time to focus on areas of self-improvement, and it’s a journey that never ends.
2. The Right Partner?
A lot of people complain that they can’t find the right partner.
You have to ask yourself first, are you the type of person you want to be?
You do not want to make your romantic relationships transactional, but at the very least, the person you end up with has to receive something from the relationship.
3. Self-Love is Everything
I love looking after other people. For instance, l really enjoy taking my girlfriend to work by car, cooking for her, getting her gifts, doing the washing (just about) and so on.
I have, however, always struggled looking after myself and deeming myself worthy of that same care. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Do you have enough genuine self-love to think about your needs.
Many men sacrifice themselves for the women and children in their lives, but they need to look after themselves first. It’s a bit like the way a mother should put on her oxygen mask first before her child’s in the event of an emergency on a plane. You come first.
When you love someone else, you need to remember that when you suffer, they suffer too. This does not mean be selfish, but instead that you understand your needs, set high-standards for yourself, and treat yourself with kindness.
4. Understand Your and Your Partner’s Boundaries
My biggest learning in life over the past decade is that I never understood boundaries.
This fact meant that I was always super relaxed to be with and women like that. Generally, I have found that women are attracted to people who make them feel at ease, and being a confident risk-taker is attractive. It was always great in the beginning phases of a relationship. However, it also meant that I didn’t understand when anyone crossed the lines with me (I had no lines). In a relationship, there will always be moments when a partner crosses the line. The man isn’t always wrong. One partner may be wrong more often, but it doesn’t make one partner’s opinion less important.
My lack of personal boundaries meant I didn’t recognise when someone crossed the line. If you don’t have boundaries, your partner may unknowingly walk all over you, and you won’t recognise when you’re overstepping.
I had to explore this in therapy to understand the importance of boundaries. Both partners need to articulate their boundaries and air out any differences early in a relationship. Often it will take the crossing of a boundary in the first place to understand where the lines are to be drawn.
When your partner articulates anything about their boundaries, it can be tempting to disagree with what they say and use logic to argue with them. Try instead to work on understanding their feelings – their feelings are undeniable. If that is difficult, something that works for me is to think about the situation in reverse by asking the question, “how would I feel if [insert action] happened to me?”
If you disagree completely about the boundaries of your relationship, it is worth considering whether your relationship will work in the long-term.
5. Never Leave Anger in the Air
Anger is an emotion that will probably come to you all in any relationship, but those who proactively try to understand each other and build bridges will triumph in love.
My biggest issue stemmed from the aforementioned boundaries. I often would feel anger, but would not be able to articulate how I felt – sometimes for long periods.
Often this would build up, and I would end up acting distant. In some cases, this could even result in a partner taking revenge, or in struggling to have sex – it’s hard to want to have sex with someone you’re angry with.
6. Listen Actively
Active listening is a real key to any interaction. You need to first bring your full attention to the other person, and allow them to speak without interrupting.
Your job is to understand the other’s point-of-view and not make judgement or express your feelings. Active listening is also a useful skill when dealing with a customer as you can understand what the person wants and needs.
A good technique is to paraphrase what the other person has said back to them to affirm that you understand their perspective. As a man, I have been tempted to fix things or find solutions, but sometimes your partner just wants you to listen.
7. Respect is the First Requirement
Looking back, the most hurtful moments in my romantic past were when I was shown a lack of respect. There are various manifestations of this lack of respect, but it can be harmful to see your partner talk down to you, or dismissing your perspective.
John Gottman’s research shows that contempt—mocking, dismissiveness, and belittling—is the strongest predictor of relationship failure.
Gottman also notes that couples who maintain a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one are more likely to have stable and lasting relationships.
Whether through being talked down to, having my feelings dismissed, or feeling unheard, the message was clear: You don’t matter as much as you should.
8. Love is a Flower that needs to be Watered
A relationship requires maintenance. It’s easy to disappear into work, hobbies, and personal interests, but love needs to be sustained.
Romantic getaways, thoughtful gestures, surprise gifts, morning kisses, and simple quality time all matter. Without this effort, relationships start to feel like mere friendships or cohabitation.
Love, like a flower, will only bloom if nurtured.
9. Sex is More Than Just Physical
Sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship, but it’s more than just a physical act—it’s a deep form of communication, connection, and emotional intimacy.
Many couples struggle with sexual issues, often due to unresolved emotions, stress, or a lack of understanding of each other’s needs. The key to a fulfilling sex life is open, honest communication. Talk about your desires, boundaries, and any concerns without fear of judgment.
Physical intimacy thrives on emotional intimacy. If there are unresolved conflicts, they can manifest in the bedroom. Making time for emotional connection—through conversations, affectionate gestures, and shared experiences—can improve intimacy on all levels. I know that in my current relationship, my girlfriend needs to feel that strong connection to get intimate.
A healthy sex life requires effort and intentionality, just like any other aspect of a relationship. It’s about giving, receiving, and being fully present with your partner. When both partners feel valued and understood, intimacy flourishes. A little tip is to sleep naked, as it encourages you to touch each other and the skin-to-skin contact helps you bond – it stimulates the release of oxytocin (the so-called “love hormone”).
10. The Power of Forgiveness
No relationship is perfect, and mistakes will happen. Holding onto resentment or past grievances only creates distance. True connection comes from the ability to forgive—not just your partner, but yourself as well.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Instead, it means acknowledging mistakes, understanding each other’s imperfections, and committing to growth together. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners are willing to apologise sincerely and make amends.
Learning to let go of small grievances and choosing love over pride can significantly impact the longevity and happiness of a relationship. Communication, empathy, and genuine efforts to rebuild trust make forgiveness a powerful tool in keeping love alive.
Love is Simple, but not Easy
Relationships are never easy, but they are worth the effort. Every experience teaches us something new about love, others, and—most importantly—ourselves.
