When I was younger, I had this idea that I would suddenly become infatuated with someone – that my destined princess would light a fire under me with her presence alone.
Maybe we’d catch eyes and immediately know, or she’d spill a coffee on me as she carried her latte, apologise profusely and attempt to clean my jumper using the wet wipes that she carries with her as a matter of habit.
As I get older, I become more convinced that love itself is more like tending to a garden than happening across an erupting volcano.
Attraction is a strange phenomenon. Nowadays, many people make lists of what they would want in their perfect partner. Some people’s lists are as long as their arms.
My First Love
I remember the furious crushes I would have in my youth. I would often focus on the most beautiful, intelligent, studious and kind person I knew.
I remember my first love like it was yesterday. We were both around 15 and the first time I caught sight of her, I remember she was carrying her art folder in front of the so-called “Aston Block”. I didn’t know who she was – it was some time before I learned her name – but I found her instantly captivating. I still can’t explain why she entranced me so instantly.
At some point, I would grow to know her better, and I found everything about her fascinating. I remember walking to class with her in the rain; I had started expressing my displeasure about the weather, and she said how much she loved the rain.
At that moment, I realised the world of difference between her and me. She felt like the Ying to my Yang. Light to darkness. Sun to my moon.
In the exam hall during our GCSEs, she sat to the right of me during our Latin literature exam. I must have spent the last half an hour of the exam drawing doodles whilst watching her. She captivated me.
To me, it was as intense a love as anything I’d known. It puts in mind the amazing scene from Titanic, where Jack shows Rose the freedom of a bird by supporting her in a pose on the front of the ship (I think it’s called “the bow”). Just knowing this girl existed, lifted me.
Ideal Fancies
In her I saw everything I ever wanted – she was my Disney princess. I was the Beast, and she was Belle – full of books and learning and refinement.
I wonder, what she saw in me – probably just a boy. She must have seen me as commonplace, ordinary, and not in the least bit special. Certainly not exceptional enough to be her match – and I would agree – I would not have measured up.
The imagination is a dangerous thing. We tend to construct ideas that lie far beyond reality. My first love slowly turned me weak – breaking my focus. I had been consumed in my passion.
Sparks
I was led initially by a “spark”. A spark is a newfound attraction in someone. It is not something that sustains in the same form throughout the whole relationship, but for some, it’s a key element alongside attraction.
The reason I say that it exists alongside attraction rather than placing it as an element of attraction is that it seems possible to find someone attractive, yet lack a “spark”. For instance, I happen to find Jennifer Lopez attractive, but that does not mean a “spark” exists between us.
Sometimes this spark can develop over time, as people grow deeply connected, but occasionally, there might seem to be almost instant chemistry. A sexual attraction forms part of the initial stage, and for a female, this bond is particularly strong and emotional because of the release of oxytocin. Men, however, tend to be more resistant to the effects of oxytocin because of testosterone, which leads to misunderstandings as women and men end up on different pages.
Sparks can also result from someone naturally being a magnetic person. Endless confidence and charisma can lead to this feeling that there is a spark. Caution though, ought to be exercised – someone who seems extremely charismatic can be a grandiose narcissist, master manipulator, or even a psychopath.
Difficult Waters
Navigating difficult times in relationships has provided me with the most valuable sources of growth.
Even within a relationship, these rough patches can help you develop and understand yourself and your partner better. Often in a relationship, it is not a mistake that ends it, but the way that we react to it.
Can we grow and become a better partner? Are we able to forgive? Do we understand the small issues and micro-aggressions along the way that have led to a particularly bad mistake?
I realise that all my failed relationships may have had bigger events that ended them, but it was always the small things compounding over time that led to either partner losing attraction. It’s funny how the laws of wealth and money are so easily applicable to relationships too. Consistency, mental strength, doubling down in “down markets”, and learning from our mistakes, are key aspects that can help us move forward in our relationships.
Love as a Decision
Perhaps one of the greatest quotations on love of all time is from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin:
“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Louis de Bernières
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and, when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
As I have grown older, I have started to realise that this quotation rings truer and truer. Deep love is about making a decision. Ultimately, the breathlessness, intense passion, and endless excitement burn away. Love is what remains.
Accepting that your partner is not perfect, will have times in their life when he or she finds it difficult to be your rock. The ones most successful in love, understand that there needs to be a balance – when one partner is having a difficult time, the other steps up.
My Unwritten Ending
I don’t know what my fate is – to end up alone or with someone I could love forever.
My end is yet unwritten.
I have hope, however, that as I attempt to mould myself into the person I want to be, someone out there will love the person I grow into, and that it will be mutual.
Thanks for reading, and I hope that was a helpful insight.
